Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

I feel like my heart has been shattered into so many pieces that even with a microscope you wouldn't find them. I can't take this anymore. I just want someone to love me. Why won't anyone love me? Am i never going to be good enough for anyone? I just want to be like the couples walking down the street holding hands. I know I'm bigger than most girls, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't get a chance. no one knows the real me. No one bothers to ask. I hate this. I hate my life. Because I'm not "approachable". I want to be skinny. I want to be shorter. I want to have a prettier face. But no, I was cursed with crappy looks. I was cursed with a weight of 216.2 lbs. I was cursed with the average height. I hate the way I am and i hate the way I look. Do you know why? No one that matters likes it either. Not one person that I've ever liked has liked me back because my looks are horrible. I hate it. And I'm about ready to end my misery.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

I am just about done with everything in life. There are two people in this whole world that wouldn't be able to being to fathom how I feel about them, I can't handle my schoolwork properly, and ever since I started the second quarter, my life has sucked completely and I'm beginning to hate myself. I hate my looks, my grades, my humor, the people that live with me, my teachers, and I'm beginning to find problems with the friends I have. I don't think it's even worth trying anymore. I might as well just do my work and stop talking to anyone. This isn't turning out to be the fantastic year I had planned it to be. I'm sorry for the ill-worded post and all the anger. But I really needed to let this out.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

Tonight's complaints are about guys. Guys simply have the incapability to make up their minds. Men have completely intelligent minds, yet they have no clue how to use them. For example; the last guy I dated said yes to me, told me he loved me, picked out a soundtrack to our relationship, and told me he was going to write a song for me. The next morning, I got a Facebook message telling me that he didn't like me at all and that it wasn't going to work out. Then I get a message from someone telling me that it was all just a bet with his sister. Isn't that just fantastic? Men simply cannot tell if they like someone unless they're with them. They can't make up they're mind until it's too late to possibly avoid causing damage. It makes me angry that girls and women have the full capability (excluding a few certain "special" ladies) to decide through these problems. Men generally think that women and girls tend to "over think" things. When really, it's the men and boys that are under thinking things. I don't mean to call the guys out, but on this subject right here, they need to know that the slightest thing can make a girl upset. On a further note, men and boys need to realize that they have more of an effect on people than they think. I'm pretty much done with this. Hope you enjoyed it.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Hey guys.

Yeah. Of course I got dumped. Over Facebook. I'll talk more about it later. For now, I'm heading over to Jordan's.

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

As I sit here and enjoy the comedy Zombieland, I realize that not everything in life has to be sad. This is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. If you haven't watched it, check it out. But today has been one of the most amazing days ever. I've acquired a new boyfriend named Thomas. He makes me extremely happy and I'm glad I have him. Anyways, sometimes people (like me) just need to work on look on the bright side of life. I realized that there are so many great things in life. But I use this site for the exact opposite of that. SO every once in a while, I'll put up a happy post like this one. Even though you guys done care about my thought process on happy things. But I'll do it anyways.

Love to all (especially Thomas),
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

You know those girls that aren't skinny? The ones that aren't whores? The ones that don't try and pull off booty shorts at school? Those ones? THEY HAVE FUCKING FEELINGS. I would know. I am one of those girls. My self-esteem is about as low as it can get. Do you know why? Because no guys would ever even think of dating me. The walk past me in the hallways and look over my shoulder at some skank trying to pull of booty shorts and a too-low-cut shirt. There is more to relationship than sex appeal. Do you know why I go on a verbal rampage on this blog? Because NO ONE bothers to ask me how my day is going. No one bothers to ask me out on a date. No one thinks I'm pretty except for a few girls (that I'm pretty sure are not lesbians so it doesn't even count for that). I want one guy to tell me I'm pretty. Just one. One guy that has the balls to walk up and say "Hey you look pretty today." or maybe "Hi, text me after school?". Is it really that hard to tell someone they're pretty? I want to feel the same love that whores do. Why do they get all of the love if they can't even hold a relationship for longer than a few days? They go around crushing hearts, souls, and self esteems, everyday. But guys are too ignorant and non-intelligent to figure out that, that one girl sitting over there might actually give them the love they deserve. That girl over there, who hasn't had a boyfriend and tries to say "Hi" to you sometimes, might be the right one. But they're not worried about being loved. They're worried about getting laid. I am so incredibly done with any guy that think they're hot shit because they dated a whore.


I hope you can relate to this, and I hope you got something out of reading this.


Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

Today is just one of those days where everything is being over-thought in my mind. I don't know what to do with myself. I like people that aren't ever going to take me for who i am, and not just by stereotypes/rumors about me. No one ever tries to get to know me. What you see isn't always what you get.  There are a lot of things that are different about me. I get lonely and depressed when I'm alone. Being with friends or strangers is my favorite place to be. I don't know why I am the way I am. But it's the way I was made. I just want someone to love for that. Someone that will ask me questions like "How are you today?" or maybe "Do you want to come over and watch a movie with me?". Someone new. Someone I don't know. Someone that just wants to get to know me. But everyone thinks I'm too loud and obnoxious. I'm only like that in school, or if I know you really well. I'm normally calm and collected. But no one seems to want to get to know the other side of me. I hate ranting but I feel that it is needed. You guys just don't get the pain, sorrow, and agony that it is to be lonely for me. It drives me insane. But no one feels the need to ask me how I'm feeling.

I see a girl in the hallway at her locker. Her boyfriend walks up behind her and hugs her by waist and kisses her cheek. And you want to know the funny part? She'll probably dump him within a week. She doesn't realize the real value it holds when a guy has the balls to show his affection publicly. Girls these days just don't get it. I feel the love that some guys give. I see it happening before my eyes. And then they get crushed when the girl leaves. It makes me angry. Every guy will go after the prettiest girls. When really, the average to ugly looking girls will be the ones that know how to hold a relationship, and give actual love. but EVERYONE is too dumb and too blind to see that. Why can't guys just figure out that someone like me for example would know how to treat them. A call or a text a day is the way to go. not someone who will sit there for hours on end talking about how much sex they would have with you. No. A call or a text conversation a about a real topic. A topic like Chinese food, or Obama, or Antarctica. Anything besides sex, and sexting. Real relationships aren't based on physical contact (though that does make it more enjoyable), they are about the mental connections. The feeling in the pit of your stomach when you so much as hear their name. That feeling when you hear the sound of their voice. The sound your heart makes in your ears when you see them walking towards you. It's all a feeling I've experienced once. Then it all went downhill. I have trust issues. I have a problem with being alone now. Love will ruin you. Until you find the person that will always be there. The one person that will never forget your birthday even though they've only heard it once. Someone who remembers the place, time, and date on which you had your first date, kiss, and met. I hope this shows you the level on which I feel about love. I should stop bitching and go write my damn music.

Excuse my language.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Family:

Nothing pisses me off more than my family trying to change who I am. I got home from school yesterday to my grandma bitching at me because of a computer problem. And then she goes on and on about how I'm too focused on my music. I am just about done with people trying to change me. God made me how I am so that is how I should be accepted. Alright sorry for my rant. I need to let it out. More joyful things on the way.

Love to all,
~Kayla

This is mind blowing.

Guys, You need to see this little girl. I'm speechless. She's amazing. Just... Completely mind blowing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiM9QVdJyVQ

You'll know what I mean when you hear this.

Deary Diary,

Inspirational People:

You'd be surprised who my top 3 most inspirational people are.

At number three, we have Michael Jackson. The reason is because during the roughest times, he stayed strong despite what people said about him.

Number two goes to Britney Spears. She is such a talented dancer and vocalist. And even though a lot of the world was against her at one point, and she wasn't acting right, she bounced back and showed the world that there are second chances in life.

At number one, we have The Real Slim Shady himself: Marshall Mathers. I can't even explain the amount of respect I have for him. He is one of my greatest idols. He's gone through a lot of tough times, and knows  exactly how to put it into words.

Is there anyone that inspires you?

Comment, or hit me up on Facebook. :)

www.facebook.com/RealKayla12497

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

You know what sucks? Being in love with someone you know will never be in love with you. They might love you, but they'll never be in love with you. There's a difference. You see, loving someone, is when you care about them to fullest extent and will never want them out of your life. Being in love with someone is when they're the only thing on your mind and everything else is a haze. When you can merely hear their name and wander off into a place with world peace and rainbows and stars and unicorns and shit like that. Truly being in love means that you would die within a millisecond for them. That you wouldn't have to think about wether you would give your life for them. It makes me so incredibly angry when I'm not good enough for the guy I'm in love with. I pray, I wish, I promise, I give. I try to do everything in my power for just one chance to have him. It never works. It may not be meant to be, but I would be willing to change that if I got the chance.

To all of you that can relate to this, I hope you appreciate this.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Stories:

Sorry for all the posts today, but there are a few innovations I'm making. I'll be posting class poetry (tweaked of course), personal poetry, and short stories. The first series of short stories, will be about my current/recent/past nightmares. They are a tad psychotic, but don't judge me. Enjoy. :)

http://www.booksie.com/thrillers/short_story/realkaylarealtime/dream-one/chapter/1

Autum Poem:

This is some really crappy poem I made for class. I tweaked it a tad. Enjoy. :)

The smell of sweet, ripe fruit.

A soft, gentle breeze blowing through your hair.

Trees swaying back and forth in perfect rhythm.

Children and parents smiling with pure joy.

Hand-woven hickory baskets in the rough hands of fathers.

Apples falling off of trees like raindrops out of the sky.

They drift off to sleep as they’re laid in the soft canvas at the bottom of the baskets.

You smile and wave as you see the one you've been waiting for.

Chasing each other through the chilly fall breeze.

The trip back: peaceful and quiet.

Secret messages pass through minds of calm people.

A hot oven, flour, cinnimon, and brown sugar await your arrival.

At the end of the night, your hard work has paid off.

The smiles of your loved ones gathered in one place warm your heart.

The television stirring, laughter everywhere, the hiss of an opening bottle.

The smell of a familiar home, and the warmth of familiar hearts.

Memories being formed all around.

MUSICAL MONDAY!

From now on every Monday instead of a post, I'll be posting the lyrics to a song. I hope you guys enjoy this. :)

Raise Your Glass - P!nk

Right right, turn off the lights,
We're gonna lose our minds tonight,
What's the deal, yo?

I love when it's all too much,
5am turn the radio up
Where's the rock and roll?

Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass

Slam slam, oh hot damn
What part of party don't you understand,
Wish you'd just freak out (freak out already)
Can't stop, coming in hot,
I should be locked up right on the spot
It's so on right now (so fuckin on right now)

Party Crasher,
Penny Snatcher,
Call me up if you want gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancey
Why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass

(oh shit my glass is empty, that sucks)

So if you're too school for cool,
And you're treated like a fool,
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always,
Party on our own

(so raise your) So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,(for me)
Just come on and come on and raise your glass (for me)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Happy Halloween:

Hey guys, I just wanted to say happy Halloween. Have fun dressing up, going to parties, and Trick-or-Treating. Have a great time and stay safe.

P.S. Spread my blog around to your friends and try to get them to follow. Thanks.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Boys (continued):

So, my opinion on boys. So far what I've figured out are that there are different levels of guys. One level, this one being my favorite, are the sweethearts. They compliment you every ten seconds, tell you they love you, and will argue with you till kingdom come about your looks. They never call a girl "hot". It would always be pretty, beautiful, or gorgeous. The problem is, sometimes they can be clingy and fragile. So you have to be careful how you leave them if you decide to. These guys are always either really ugly, or really gorgeous.

Another level, is the douche bag level. These are the guys that call women "hot" or "sexy" the first time they see them. They're completely perverted and think they're on top of the world. They don't treat their women right and lie, cheat, and lie some more. The good things about these men, is that they're most likely good looking. Because they're asshole attitude arises from their over confidence in their appearances.

The third level are the moderate men. These men, being in the middle, don't have the courage to call a woman beautiful or gorgeous. But, don't have the asshole attitude to call a girl "hot" or "sexy". The men in this group are always the "teddy bear cute" guys. They're always shy and quiet. But, once you crack them out of their shell, they're funny, fun to be around, and sweet. These guys make the best friends.

Okay I'm making a second part to this. because I obtained a significant other today. He's one of the first type. He's so incredibly sweet. And he never forgets to call me, no matter what he's doing. I'm so glad I have him now. So for now, luckily for you, there won't be a lot of depressing posts. But anyways, I'm going to bed because it's almost 1:30am. Goodnight my followers.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Boys:

Okay, I don't have enough time to now, but sometime later today, I'll post my opinions on boys. If you think you know me, you're probably about to be shocked. So nut up or shut up. That is all.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Bed Time:

Hey guys. I'm supposed to be in bed, as you've probably noticed. But I find it hard to sleep without having odd nightmares. I think I'm somehow related to Stephen King. But anyways, I just wanted to say that even though I only have two followers, I'm glad someone is listening to my story. I feel that the world needs to know what's going in peoples' lives. If the government wanted to find out why almost 90% of suicides happen, all they'd have to do is check the person's phone, Facebook, Blog, or whatever they have. But it makes me feel a little better knowing that I'm not just talking to air.

To those of you who's first time it is on my blog, I thank you for taking the time to read my lectures. I hope you enjoy this. Well, I need some sort of sleep. I'll be off to bed now.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Morning:

Hi guys. I woke up at 6 like I do everyday. Many of you probably wake up at the same time. But the difference between you and me is that I don't get much sleep. I sleep in the spot where the argument between my mother and step dad happened. I only ever get to sleep at 2:00am or later. It's hard to sleep when you can sit there and go through your mind, watching the event that changed your life happen at the foot of your bed.

I guess I should be happy. At least I still have my bed. I'll make another post explaining my current bedroom situation. It's difficult right now. I didn't realize how alone I really was until now. I can think of maybe 4 people that would be here for me and listen to me. I feel like I need help, and I want out of this...

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

Genisis:

Hey. You guys should probably know how I came to be to understand how my mind works. When my mother was 19, she got knocked up by some black guy she didn't know. Thus bringing me into this world as a biracial baby. Anyways, my biological father left before I was born. When I was two, my mother married a man named Todd. We got booted out of our apartment in Pickerington. We moved in with my grandparents when I was 3. Shortly after we moved in, a tragic scene that will haunt me forever in great detail unfolded before my innocent eyes:

I descended the stairs to ask for a glass of water. As I was half way down the second flight of stairs, I heard a low argument. I peered through the banister bars. My mother was sitting at the computer and my step father at the desk. Suddenly he turned around and screamed something I don't quite remember. My mother turned around with a red face and screamed "It's not my fault!". The screaming escalated, and my step father walked towards the stairs. He stopped for a split 4 seconds, stared at me with such vehement emotion, and kept walking. I tried to follow him up the stairs and down the hallway, but he simply pushed me to the side. A few quick minutes later he came down the stairs and went straight out the door without giving me so much as a glance. That was the last I ever saw of my step father. My mother compares some irritating things that happen to his attitude. Other than that, she doesn't speak of the event.

I've tried to keep my head up all these years, but sometimes it's overwhelming. Thinking that you're not good enough, and that you're not pretty enough for anyone. I feel ugly, useless, and unwanted. I feel that at some point in time everyone will have left me. Not by death. But by decision. I feel that no matter what I do, no one will be there forever. If you try to tell me I'm beautiful, gorgeous, or even just pretty, I will deny it. I will deny that anyone wants me. I have been broken two times so far in my life. I'm on the verge of breaking a third time. I let myself be complimented my men because it makes me feel secure. I fall for people too easily. Then end up getting hurt in the end. I want to know what's wrong with me. I would also like to know why no one in my family wants to listen when I say "Can I talk to you about something?". If you'd like to listen, it might sound like I'm complaining. But it is simply how I feel about my life. This blog is for me to get from people because my family won't help. So please, if you can, advice would great help. Comment or send me a message on AOL.

Love to all,
~Kayla

Dear Diary,

I'm making this blog because I feel that everyone has a life story that should be shared. People need to vent. I figured this would be a constructive way to deal with my problems. I've had a rough past, and am now having "boy" problems. If you'd like to follow me through the ups and downs of my life, feel free to read this blog weekly, or even daily. I would appreciate comments with advice, or simply words of kindness. But if you don't like what I have to say, simply be mature, and don't read. I don't like to feel bad about myself. I already have insecurity issues as it is, I wouldn't appreciate them growing stronger. But if you'd like to read, enjoy. I'll start posting tomorrow.

Love to all,
-Kayla