Dear Diary,

Genisis:

Hey. You guys should probably know how I came to be to understand how my mind works. When my mother was 19, she got knocked up by some black guy she didn't know. Thus bringing me into this world as a biracial baby. Anyways, my biological father left before I was born. When I was two, my mother married a man named Todd. We got booted out of our apartment in Pickerington. We moved in with my grandparents when I was 3. Shortly after we moved in, a tragic scene that will haunt me forever in great detail unfolded before my innocent eyes:

I descended the stairs to ask for a glass of water. As I was half way down the second flight of stairs, I heard a low argument. I peered through the banister bars. My mother was sitting at the computer and my step father at the desk. Suddenly he turned around and screamed something I don't quite remember. My mother turned around with a red face and screamed "It's not my fault!". The screaming escalated, and my step father walked towards the stairs. He stopped for a split 4 seconds, stared at me with such vehement emotion, and kept walking. I tried to follow him up the stairs and down the hallway, but he simply pushed me to the side. A few quick minutes later he came down the stairs and went straight out the door without giving me so much as a glance. That was the last I ever saw of my step father. My mother compares some irritating things that happen to his attitude. Other than that, she doesn't speak of the event.

I've tried to keep my head up all these years, but sometimes it's overwhelming. Thinking that you're not good enough, and that you're not pretty enough for anyone. I feel ugly, useless, and unwanted. I feel that at some point in time everyone will have left me. Not by death. But by decision. I feel that no matter what I do, no one will be there forever. If you try to tell me I'm beautiful, gorgeous, or even just pretty, I will deny it. I will deny that anyone wants me. I have been broken two times so far in my life. I'm on the verge of breaking a third time. I let myself be complimented my men because it makes me feel secure. I fall for people too easily. Then end up getting hurt in the end. I want to know what's wrong with me. I would also like to know why no one in my family wants to listen when I say "Can I talk to you about something?". If you'd like to listen, it might sound like I'm complaining. But it is simply how I feel about my life. This blog is for me to get from people because my family won't help. So please, if you can, advice would great help. Comment or send me a message on AOL.

Love to all,
~Kayla